


i'm a dead man walking here (but that's the least of all my fears)

by shadowdance



Series: where the worlds clash together [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: F/M, Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 02:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4985758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowdance/pseuds/shadowdance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Have you ever been afraid of something that you wanted so, so much?)</p><p>Luna finds two things that she didn't know she was missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm a dead man walking here (but that's the least of all my fears)

**Author's Note:**

> as per last fic, there are spoilers, and major ones at that. If you are avoiding spoilers, I suggest not reading this.
> 
> Again, I'm still iffy on third route stuff, so if you notice anything wrong, just point it out to me and I'll do what I can.
> 
> The title comes from 'Barton Hollow' by the Civil Wars. Remember how I said this one would be better than the last one? Haha I lied

 

* * *

 

The Nohr army is bunched together, crowded and squished, but Luna is able to snake through the crowds easily, in and out, in and out. She has never considered herself to be _tiny_ or _small_ but she does now, and she considers that a good thing, at least in this moment.

Lazward and Odin stumble behind her; they are taller, lankier, and they don’t fit into the small spaces that she does. They fall behind her unattractively, and Luna only hopes that they aren’t causing a big distraction from what’s happening on the battlefield.

“Luna?”

Belka is suddenly _there_ ; her face is calm, but her purple eyes are crackling with something alive, perhaps energy.

Luna drops Lazward’s hand (big mistake), and when she realizes so it’s too late to reach for it again. “Belka, what’s going on?”

Belka is a woman of few words; it’s something Luna has figured out. She looks at Luna, and when she says, “Come on,” the mercenary can understand within those two words.

She doesn’t know.

.

.

.

There is a ringing in Luna’s ears, after Kamui has announced something, something that she wasn’t able to hear or see because the ringing grew louder and louder.

There is an uproar, though. That’s what Luna can understand. Prince Xander’s mouth is open, and he’s talking angrily and waving his sword around for effect. On the other side, a man wearing red armor speaks, gesturing his hands wildly as well.

Belka squeezes her arm; Luna had not originally realized she was holding her, but now that she does she notices that the grip is rather tight.

Camilla is at the front of the lines, or rather, she was; now she makes her way towards her subordinates. When she nears, Luna can see tears welled up in her eyes.

“That’s that,” she says. Her voice is shaky and Luna hates it.

“What now.” Belka’s tone of voice is flat, but it is a question nevertheless.

Camilla draws in her breath. She looks defeated, and fragile; this is not the strong woman that Luna knows, the one that she serves. “We go back to the castle, and wait for Kamui to realize that the path she has chosen is nonsense.”

She stalks back to her wyvern, and Luna watches them disappear, up into the clouds.

.

.

.

Everything returns to normal, except it doesn’t; there is a shift in the castle that Luna cannot deny, something that has changed and she can’t quite place her finger on it.

“It’s obviously Kamui,” Odin says when she inquires this to both him and Lazward; there is bitterness laced in his tone and Luna doesn’t understand why. “The Forgotten Princess has created a rift between two kingdoms, she-”

“Has been rejected from both sides and deemed a traitor,” Lazward dejects, but his gaze is more on Luna than Odin. “That’s what Kamui has done.”

Odin pouts, obviously at the fact Lazward cut off his train of thought, but Luna says, “If she’s not accepted on either side, _where_ did she go?”

The silence following after answers the question.

.

.

.

Rumors flit around that Princess Sakura and Prince Takumi of Hoshido have defected to a new ‘army’, a small band of people fighting against a greater enemy than Hoshido/Nohr. The ringleader is, of course, Kamui.

Camilla wakes Luna up three days after these rumors reached her ears. There are tiny little details on her face—lips curved downwards, sad eyes—that makes Luna immediately recognize what she’s going to do.

“So we’re gonna kill that army.”

Camilla almost laughs. “You know me so well.”

.

.

.

Her heart races, and the ringing in her ears return.

Luna clutches her sword, tries to breathe in and out. The army, this army, is a small band, yes, but they’re good—they can fight and kill and there is a very strong chance they won’t leave mercy on her, _especially_ because most of them are Hoshidan.

If she dies, here and now, Luna won’t ever forgive herself. Lazward told her she wasn’t dying here; but that was when he was with her, holding her hand, and he’s not here right now, and neither is Odin.

She never even got to say goodbye to them.

Belka turns to her, and a glare is poised on her face. “Luna, we aren’t going to die.” Her assassin characteristics always have her notice Luna, sense her feelings; Luna bites back a curse, because she _completely_ forgot about that.

“I know that,” she says, her voice hard as a rock, and she turns back to the army.

She closes her eyes, barely whispers the word goodbye, and prays with all her heart that it reaches her boys.

.

.

.

She doesn’t die; they spare her and Belka, only knocking the wind out of her, and now they tower over Camilla, Kamui’s special sword in her hands.

Camilla smiles weakly, begs Kamui to kill her, or something along those lines. Luna’s heart, drumming loudly, drowns all sound out.

“No.” Flat and simple, just like that. Kamui refuses, and she reaches a small hand out to Camilla and asks her to join their army.

Five minutes of persuasion, but in the end it works. Luna really doubts that Camilla truly got over losing Kamui, and at least here, the wyvern princess does not have to subject Kamui to death, or obey her father’s orders.

Belka nudges her. “That boy is looking…at you,” she says, and her lips twist upward that looks a bit like a smile.

Luna glances over to see a boy with his arms folded, dark hair tied in a ponytail; there is a pegasus behind him, and he is smirking at her. Luna flushes, turns away, and tugs at a pigtail.

(He reminds her of someone, she thinks later that night. From that smirk to the pegasus, he reminds her of someone Luna loved dearly and lost too quickly.)

.

.

.

His name is Subaki, she finds out.

“I serve Lady Sakura,” he says to her, late at night, around a campfire. His voice has that quality in which he can draw everyone’s attention to himself, simply by doing nothing; Luna bites her lip and tries to focus on breathing.

“How…lovely,” she says. “I bet you know who I serve.”

His smile is cocky, but also curious. “I hear Princess Camilla likes strong girls.” There is some sort of mocking in his tone and Luna hates it.

“Are you saying I’m not strong?”

His laugh is like bells chiming together. “Not at all. You fought very well in this skirmish.”

“So you’re complimenting me now, after calling me weak?”

“You didn’t hear what I said. You don’t do that much, listen to people?” His head tilts to the side and Luna _really_ wants to punch him in the face now.

She resists the urge to do so, and says instead, “I’m a bit of a rebel.”

“So I’ve heard. You aren’t from Nohr?”

At this, her heart almost leaps out of her chest and she sputters, while Subaki watches on, a half smile still perched on his lips. “Who told you that?”

“No one had to tell me. I’ve fought against many Nohrians, and you have a unique fighting style.” His fingers brush against her arm, lightly. “I’ve never seen anyone do what you do.”

Is he _flirting_ with her? Luna recoils and thinks of Lazward and snaps, “Is this a game of yours?”

“I’m merely trying to get to know a Nohrian.”

“Yeah, so why not try Belka or Camilla?”

The fire reflects into his eyes. “You seem to be the most easygoing out of the three. Have I thought wrong?”

“I wouldn’t describe myself as _easygoing_ , especially during a war.”

“Yes, I’ll agree with that. Easygoing was the wrong word. I meant…social, perhaps, between you and Belka. And Lady Camilla is a princess, so she’s a bit out of my league.”

“Doubtful.” She spits the word out and immediately regrets it. Subaki raises an eyebrow.

“Are you saying I am handsome?”

“How conceited can you _get_?”

“You were the one who said it, not me.”

Luna grits her teeth; all of these sharp-witted comments, quick and prepared, remind her _so much_ of her mother. But at least her mother was much nicer, at least to her. “Whatever.”

Subaki chuckles, and he stands up to go. “By the way,” he says, “I’m taken. Just to let you know.”

Luna stares at the flames; of course he was. “Well, I’m not _surprised_ ,” she says, and Subaki laughs.

.

.

.

The days pass, quicker than ever, and Kamui recruits more people in their army. None of them are Lazward or Odin, though. Luna finds herself missing them more and more, as she ticks off the days of how long they’ve been separated now.

During one battle, there is a girl that joins alongside the fiery Hoshidan princess Hinoka; she is an archer, slow and dreamy, but a very deadly shot when handed a bow. Her name is Setsuna, and she is the girl that has stolen Subaki’s heart.

“How?” Luna asks; she isn’t jealous, but Setsuna is the complete opposite of Subaki and it just doesn’t make sense to her.

Subaki smiles lightly. “I know you’ve noticed that we’re not very similar; I think that’s why we work out, you know? I compliment the features she does not have, and she does the same for me.”

Luna does not respond to this; instead, she picks up a blade of grass and shreds it into a million tiny pieces.

Subaki's smile turns weary. “You’ll find out one day.”

“I do know.” Her tone is sharp and swift and cuts deeper than she intended to. A fleeting look of hurt crosses Subaki’s face, but he shrugs it away easily.

“You were in love with someone?”

 _Were_ could be subjected. Luna stares at the green grass, wilting underneath her feet, and wishes she never really loved the boy who always has a smile on his face.

.

.

.

She finds out that not only is Subaki married to Setsuna, but they also have a _kid_. A pretty little girl—maybe not so little anymore, Subaki adds with a chuckle, but still a child in any sense.

There is something tugging in Luna’s chest, telling her to protect this girl, Subaki’s daughter; her mind tells her that she owes something to her. She doesn’t know why, she’s never even _met_ this girl, but there is something that longs to protect her.

They go to visit Subaki’s daughter; before Luna can even catch a glimpse, though, they’re thrown into battle, because war never stops, never takes a break for anything.

Somewhere along the way Luna is defeated, thrown to the ground and her sword is sheathed, deep in the ground. A man is above her, and his axe is raised, the intention to kill her. Before he can, though, a pegasus rider swoops down and blocks his attack; Luna doesn’t know who, can’t see the face, but all she knows that her savior is a girl with hair the color of the sea.

The pegasus rider screams, stabs her lance through the man’s stomach; when he falls to the ground, she turns to look at Luna. “You okay?” she asks, and Luna stops breathing.

Okay, so her hair is turquoise, not red, and she’s younger, definitely younger, but it’s still her, from the tip of her white feather clips to her red boots. Her eyes scavenge Luna’s face curiously, waiting for her answer.

“Are you okay?”

Luna opens her mouth, intending to say _I’m fine_ but what comes out instead is “Mother?” She hates how her voice sounds so weak and childish.

A frown passes over the girl’s face. “My name,” she says defiantly, “is Matoi.”

Luna is going to _throw up_.

This is the woman she’s wanted back, all her life, and yet at the same time, prayed and hoped she would never come back, because she doesn’t know how she would handle it. Now, she’s about to find out.

“I’m Luna,” she says, and extends her hand outwards to shake the hands of a girl (because she’s no longer a woman) she knows so well.

.

.

.

Reincarnation. That’s what Odin would’ve said right about now.

Matoi is exactly like Cordelia, which is to say she is _flawless_ , absolutely perfect. Because of course she would be Subaki’s daughter, the man who is all about perfection, of course _. Of course_ life would fuck with Luna this way, of course it would.

Belka says she’s acting like she’s seen a ghost; Camilla says she’s been watching Matoi very, very closely. (Luna ignores the jealousy hidden in her voice.)

But they _just don’t get it_. Luna has seen Matoi die, in two different ways. She’s lost her already; she can’t lose her again.

(When Cordelia died, the only person who usurped all the pain was _Severa,_ because her father was already dead in one scenario and in the other, he was—is—too old to even cry.

Now, _Luna_ has her fresh grievances, but if Matoi dies it won’t be just Luna who cries; it’ll be Setsuna and Subaki and Luna cannot bear for either of them to suffer the way she did, twice upon a time.)

.

.

.

She bumps into Setsuna on her way to town, and she can’t help but notice that Setsuna looks _so sad_ for once. The last thing Luna wants to do is listen to her problems, but she’s a better person now. (And let’s not forget the fact that she is Luna’s mother’s mother now, in that fucked up scenario.)

“Matoi,” Setsuna says flatly, when Luna asks. “Matoi is…” she pauses, and Luna shifts impatiently. “Perfect. She takes…after her father. So much.”

Right, okay. Luna opens her mouth to insert her own thoughts, but Setsuna interrupts her with that dreamy voice of hers. “I’m…jealous.”

“Jealous of your daughter?”

Setsuna whips her head up, and there is fire crackling in her eyes. “How can I not be?” she snaps; anger lashes out in her tone but Luna knows it’s not directed at her, nor is it directed at Matoi. It’s directed to the gods, who gave Cordelia to Setsuna under the ruse of a daughter. “She’s smart and talented and beautiful and she’s everything I’m not. If I try to help her or do something, I mess everything up…I feel like a burden on her shoulders. Everything just goes to Matoi naturally. I feel...” she swallows, and Luna realizes that this is the most Setsuna has said without having to think about it. “I feel like a failure.”

“No.” Her voice comes out sharper than she has intended, but Luna doesn’t cut her tone down. “Don’t ever feel like that with Matoi.”

Setsuna blinks, once, twice. “But-”

“Being perfect isn’t easy,” Luna interrupts, and she knows she’s sounding a bit hypocritical but now she _knows_. She knows Matoi (Cordelia) better than anyone. Setsuna is kind and loving to her daughter but she doesn’t _understand_ , not yet. “I know you feel like you aren’t good enough, but _just talk to her_. I think you’ll understand her better, and she will understand you too.”

“How…how do you know this?”

Luna draws her shoulders together, and thinks of all of those talks with Cordelia. “Let’s just say,” she says, “I’ve had some experience.”

.

.

.

Setsuna is paired with Matoi for the next battle; Luna doesn’t know if Setsuna took her advice or not, but judging from the way Setsuna and Matoi fall so naturally against each other, watching each other’s back, Luna can assume so.

She fights alone; Belka flies next to her, but only briefly, and then she’s gone again, in a whirl of wyvern wings and steel axes.

Somewhere along the way Xander and Leo show up; Luna hears Kamui’s surprised shout but doesn’t even stop to think about it, doesn’t even flinch. She’s not sure why she would, until she whirls around and sees _him,_ sword drawn out and eyes full of shock.

Luna drops her sword.

“Lazward?” she whispers, and then she’s _moving_ , running towards him; she flings her arms around him and buries her face into the crook of his neck.

His body stiffens at first, and then relaxes. “We thought you were dead,” he says, and he croaks out a dry laugh. “We thought you were dead.”

Luna digs her nails, deep into his clothing. “I hate you,” she mumbles. It’s kind of her way of saying _you dumbass, I missed you so damn much._

.

.

.

Odin is ecstatic, the moment he lays eyes on Luna; he is smart, though, smarter than Lazward and herself for once, and he waits for the battle to end before he hugs Luna.

“You’re alive,” he says, and his voice is so _raw_ and relieved and it makes Luna almost cry. “Lazward and I, we were worried sick.” He clears his throat and puts her down, falls back into his usual character. “I knew, though, deep in my heart, Luna the Crimson could not have been vanquished by enemies so easily. You’re strong and powerful and combined with Belka The Deadly, you two make an unstoppable team.”

Luna does not miss the way his cheeks flush when he mentions Belka’s name, but doesn’t press on it.

“Did we miss anything?” Odin asks, and by pure luck Matoi passes by them, leading her pegasus by the reins. The girl stops, flits her eyes to Odin, and then at Luna. Their eyes meet, and it’s like staring into her mother’s soul, the night before Cordelia’s death. Luna looks away.

“Yeah,” she says. “You missed quite a bit.”

.

.

.

When they’re crowded around a campfire, she tells them both about Subaki, about Matoi. When she finishes, there is a period of short silence.

Then Odin says, “Holy shit.”

And Lazward says, “That explains why I thought I saw Gaius, walking around camp.”

At this, Luna sputters; she’s been so wrapped up thinking about Matoi that she hasn’t considered other people to return as reincarnations. “What?”

Lazward rubs his eyes; he suddenly looks older, more mature, and Luna wonders how long he’s looked like this. “This guy—I saw him walking around camp, lollipop sticking out of his mouth. Thought it was Gaius, which didn’t make sense, ‘cause you know, he’s _dead_.” Odin flinches, but Lazward keeps going on. “And yeah, he had dark hair, dark brown, almost black, but when you told us about Matoi it makes a lot more sense.”

Luna digs her nails into her palms; she remembers when Gaius died, how his wife stared out the window for a week, somber and silent, and how his kid shrieked for Gaius to come back. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t.)

“It’s strange,” she says now. “I wanted—I wanted to see my mother again. And kind of like his kid, I wanted to see Gaius again. But now that they’re here…I don’t know if I want to see them again. Not like this.”

Lazward puts his arm around her, and Odin takes her hand. Luna closes her eyes and remembers when her mother died, for the second time, she lay next to a swollen riverbank in the rain until Inigo ( _not_ Lazward) dragged her out of there and said _Severa, you were drowning in there, get up._

.

.

.

How funny it is, that it rains the next day; Luna takes refuge in her tent, and tries not to imagine the heavy tarp collapsing on her.

Odin is speaking to Belka; he’s been talking to her for three hours. Luna watched for one, and then felt like she was intruding on something private, so she dropped the tent tarp and collapsed on her cot.

Lazward is probably flirting with another girl, she thinks, and there’s a bitter taste in her mouth when she thinks that. But she tells herself it doesn’t matter now—he doesn’t love her and she doesn’t love him and she struggles to accept that fact.

“Uh, Miss Luna?”

Matoi pokes her head in; her turquoise hair cascades down her back like a waterfall, and it’s this detail that stops Luna from screaming _Cordelia_. “May I come in?”

Luna jerks her head to signal yes. Matoi tiptoes in quietly, and kneels on the floor of her tent.

“I wanted to thank you,” she says.

Luna blinks. “Why?”

Matoi shifts on her heels; Luna considers offering the cot as a place to sit, but she knows deep in her heart Matoi would not take it. It’s a Cordelia thing, out of politeness. “Mother…she said you talked to her. You helped her kind of reconnect with me, I guess. Um. We’re close now. Thank you.”

“And you only came here to tell me this?” _Foolish girl_ , Luna thinks, but it’s also _such_ a Cordelia thing to do.

“No.” Matoi clears her throat. “I was…I saw you with that mercenary. What was his name, I feel like it was Indigo or…?”

“Lazward,” Luna says, very, very, quickly. “It’s Lazward.”

Matoi scrunches her face up. “That’s funny. I swore his name was…well, never mind that. I was walking past the campfire last night, and he had his arm around you. He had this look in his eyes…I know he likes you.”

“He doesn’t like me.” An automatic reflex, the counter answer, spills out of Luna’s mouth before she can stop herself. Matoi frowns again.

“He looked at you the way Father looks at Mother. And you guys would be cute, anyways. I…” she hesitates, and then goes forward. “I feel like I’ve seen you, with Lazward before.”

“He’s my best friend.”

Matoi shakes her head. “No,” she says. “Not like that.”

Air hisses through Luna’s teeth. She remembers, back in Ylisse, when she would lament to her mother about Inigo’s habit of flirting and how her mother would run her fingers through her long hair. She wonders if Matoi is remembering that now, in some subconscious of her brain.

Matoi takes her hands into hers; they are cold and small, just like Cordelia’s. “Look,” she says. “I’m no love expert, but I…I can’t explain it well.” She laughs. “Just trust me on this.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Matoi squeezes her hands. “Um…my excuse was that it was repaying a favor to you, but…” she doesn’t finish. Luna doesn’t need her to.

“Just a vision?” she teases, and Matoi gives her a serene smile.

“Yeah,” she replies. “Something like that.”

.

.

.

The clouds clear up, around early evening. Luna steps out of her tent and watches the sun paint the sky red, orange, pink. It looks hot and crumbly, like fire in a volcano.

Below the setting sun, the camp is buzzing with energy. Princess Elise and Princess Sakura play some child’s game, alongside a young spellcaster with auburn hair from Hoshido. Odin is sitting with Belka, under a tree; his laughter is carried among the wind, and a soft smile appears on Belka’s features. A pretty girl is singing around the campfire, and Matoi is swaying her hips to the song, alongside Kamui and a few other girls. It’s almost peaceful, _almost_ , but Luna’s mind always turns to the dark side, and despite this happy scene all she can see is war, looming upon them like a great shadow.

“Hi.” Lazward slides next to her, hands in his pockets; there is an anxious look on his face. “I need to talk to you.”

Luna flicks at a piece of dirt on her vest. “Why.”

Lazward shifts on his feet. “I…just look at Odin.”

Luna obeys, quietly. Their friend has stood up now, extended his hand in an exaggerated manner to Belka in a way of asking, _dance with me._ She shakes her head at first, lips pressed together, but Odin takes her hand anyways and spins her around and around. The frown melts off Belka’s face, and she laughs; Odin smiles when she does, and Luna admits, she’s never seen that expression on his face before, ever.

Oh.

 _That’s_ why.

Luna looks up, and she meets Matoi’s eyes. The girl stops dancing, glances at Lazward, and raises her eyebrows. It’s the exact same thing Cordelia did, on the day he had _originally_ proposed to her.

She sighs, twirls a lock of red hair around her finger, and grabs his hand to say _yes_.

.

.

.

“I’m still in love with you,” Lazward says. The moonlight cuts triangles in his face, paints shadows in certain areas.

Luna shuts her eyes, thinks, _You were right, Mother._

(She remembers when she married him, once upon a time, and thought that story had ended. Now, she thinks that maybe that story had never ended; maybe the ending had been left unwritten, to be picked up again later. _Now_.)

She opens her eyes, and Lazward is still gazing at her. “Luna?” he asks.

She takes a deep breath. “Severa,” she corrects, and closes her eyes again and presses her mouth to his.

.

.

.

“See, I always knew you would get back together,” Odin says. There is a mischievous glint in his eye, and it makes Luna a bit uncomfortable.

"Just thank my mom," Luna says, hushing her voice down as Matoi saunters by them. Her eyes dart towards Lazward, then at Luna. She smiles at Luna, almost in a knowing way. Then she scurries away, back to her pegasus.

Odin watches the girl go, and whistles. "I still can't believe that's your _mom_ , Luna."

Lazward's hand slides into Luna's, intertwining their fingers. "Well," he says, "even though she's a child now, I think she's still motherly."

The pegasus tosses its head, and Matoi laughs, running her fingers through the white mane. Luna can't help but smile in spite of herself; she feels like she's seeing her mother in her golden days, before any war happened, before she actually picked up a lance and charged into battle.

She turns away from Matoi, and focuses on the other side of the battle. If she wants to see her mother again, she has to survive _this_.

"C'mon, boys," Luna says, and she draws her lips back in a smirk. "Let's fight."


End file.
